Maple Ave, Darby Township

First, let's cover the basics of what streetadvisor asks about the place. Also, to be clear, if you're living on Beech Avenue, you are in Briarcliffe, which is actually Darby Township, not Glenolden. Glenolden post office will be handling your mail though, so you will tell everyone you live in Glenolden. It's a mindf*ck to be sure.

* StreetVIBE:

** Neighborly Spirit: People often don't get along and there have been police visits to the street far too often. This is the only block that I'm aware of within a few blocks either direction that hasn't had a block party since we moved in eight years ago.

** Eating Out: There are plenty of restaurants within ten minutes driving distance, and there are loads of places to order delivery or takeout food. Some area places are Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday's, a variety of pizza joints, and Chinese places (New London in Prospect Park is my favorite, followed closely by Double Decker in Ridley Park, though to be honest neither one delivers to Briarcliffe). You'll undoubtedly receive a number of pamphlets and menus at your doorstep while you live here.

** Nightlife: I don't care about nightlife too much, but there is no shortage of bars at least. You'll have to drive into Philadelphia to go to clubs and other late-night places (Dave and Busters is one place I like, but that's in Philadelphia, not Glenolden).

** Retail Therapy: There isn't much retail therapy immediately nearby, but there are plenty of malls within a reasonable driving distance. Springfield Mall is okay, and closest. Granite Run Mall is better, but about twenty-five minutes away. Finally, there's the King of Prussia Mall, which is fantastic, but a good forty minutes away, depending on how nuts of a driver you are (could get there in under thirty...)

** Health & Fitness: Okay, there are a few gyms in the area. There's a Bally's about fifteen minutes away, several small gyms that would remind you of a high-school weight room (some people like that environment, as it's very basic and to-the-point), Iron Sport (my preference, though it's not huge, it's big enough), Weights for Women, Curves, LA Fitness in Springfield, and the Healthplex in Springfield (this is high-end and expensive, stay away unless you like to bleed money for no good reason, or you're sure you'll go and your health insurance provider will pay for it).

* StreetWIRED:

** Cell/Mobile Reception: Cell coverage is fine really. There are areas nearby though that are unusual for line-of-sight reasons.

** Internet Access: Don't get DSL and you'll be okay. DSL in this area sucks. You're too far from the central office to get a good signal and therefore good service or speeds. Stick to Comcast. Comcast has a stronghold and has the best options currently. Verizon is allegedly working to get FiOS in the area, but I doubt it, for cost-benefit reasons (in their heads). I'd kill for FiOS right now, but whatever.

** Pay TV Access: Satellite services will work here, but Comcast is your best bet for a good channel lineup. RCN is okay too I guess, but their virulent advertising is incredibly annoying (things being left inside your door or on your railing or in your mailbox). Again, FiOS is not available here yet, and I wouldn't hold your breath on it.

* StreetHEALTH:

** Peace and Quiet: Forget it. It's not found here. Too many god damn kids and dogs. I love dogs, not so much kids, but people here don't train their dogs to not bark at every leaf that blows by their face. Seriously, I cannot stress this enough. The quantity of dogs that bark every f*cking day is mind boggling and will gradually destroy your soul if you enjoy any amount of peace and quiet. Add to that the mind-numbing amount of kids that run around the streets destroying shit (especially cars, they love hitting cars with their bikes, footballs, basketballs, etc.) and you really will want to kill yourself before long, or them. I've had a lot, and I do mean A LOT of damage to my car from the kids. And I wasn't alone on that. The cure? Damage their parent's cars in retaliation since the parents don't listen either.

** Traffic: It's a cul-de-sac so there isn't much traffic. Be assured though, the average age of people that own homes on this street is low, and so is their collective IQ, and therefore they are susceptible to the occasional speeding down the street (well enough that you'll hear them in your home).

** Safe & Sound: Well, there's not a whole lot to say about this. There was a child molestation case recently that occurred at a park up the street (on Beech) against a man living on the street over from Beech (Rively). Beyond that there was (and probably still is) a drug dealer sting operation going on for the longest time on my end of the street. There's a crazy guy named Al across the way that is questionable (he sits in his truck for an hour or so singing very loudly and blasting his radio). You'll also hear him screaming in his home (alone) when he gets drunk. Beware.

** Clean & Green: The area is relatively clean, mostly because there's just not enough land to actually get filthy. There's weekly street sweeping, which is another really big waste of money because it does absolutely nothing appreciable besides be a pain in the ass on Tuesday's and Thursdays (one side of the street one day, the other the next day). You can't park on the street that day, but 3/4ths of the street doesn't have a driveway to park in, so you're screwed if you are home that day. There is periodic (very slow) recycling.

** Pest Free: I'll tell you, there aren't many critters. Once I saw a mouse being chased around the cul-de-sac by a neighbor's very outdoorsy cat. That was it. No roaches (beyond what you might call "waterbugs"). There are plenty of spiders and centipedes though, which I am skeeved by both.

* StreetVALUE:

** Cost of Living: The taxes is surprisingly one of the lowest in the Delaware County region, and with good reason, which I will cover in the education section later. You don't pay extra for trash or recycling. But you will pay if you manage to park in one of the many places you aren't supposed to park, or if you park on the street during street sweeping. The actual cost of housing is higher than it was eight years ago obviously, but still below the Delaware County average.

** Resale or Rental Value: Currently the resale value has boggled my mind and my mother's mind because people are asking ridiculous amounts for row homes, but they're not getting it when they sell because A) it's a row home, and B) the area isn't *that* great. It's mediocre.

* StreetESSENTIALS:

** Public Transport: There are two train stations within walking distance (both operating on the same SEPTA line, the R3); one is in Secane and the other is in Aldan. There's a third station, the R2 line, in actual Glenolden within a five minute drive and they have parking as well. There is also a bus that picks up right at the intersection of Beech and Madison, which is literally a stone's throw from where I lived. That bus can get you wherever you need to go to transfer to get anywhere in the county, Philadelphia, and even other counties.

** Medical Facilities: There aren't any close by. Mercy Fitzgerald is the closest, but I wouldn't recommend it. Taylor is the next closest, but they're not so hot either. Crozer-Keystone (main) is in Chester, which is a terrible area for a hospital, but it's a better hospital, but not so close (a good twenty minute drive). Taylor would be my first choice, sadly. Really Fitz isn't that bad, but it's also neighboring some questionable areas. There's no shortage of doctors or dentists though. There's even a couple of dentists and doctors right in your vicinity on Ashland Ave operating out of houses, which is not my ideal person, but whatever.

** Schools: Suck. Get them out before elementary school, or send them to one of the many private schools that are close enough. The middle school was recently renovated partially and is kind of prettier to look at. It does have an enormous field, which ties into the elementary school. The high school is where you're going to hit a stone wall really.

*** They ranked a 15 on a scale of 0-100, where 0 is the worst, and 100 is the best. The ranking is based on a weighted test average throughout the state. They ranked 41% of students below a basic math level against the state average of 14.1%. 28% of students rated at a basic math level, 22% rated proficient, and a whole 7% rated advanced. It gets better, slightly. Reading ranked at 35% below basic, 19% at basic, 35% proficient, and 10% advanced. Writing gets better: only 1% below basic, 21% at basic, and 75% at proficient (no ranking for advanced). So your kid will happily write 2+2, but their answer might be 6. These numbers are from the 2007 results of the PSSA, a state-wide standardized test.

** Child Care: I have no experience here, but I know that there are a few day care centers around, as well as the YMCA in Secane. You will probably not have a hard time finding a place to take your kid.

** Local Government: I ranked them nearly poor for their stupid stances on parking, street sweeping, and the piss-poor status of their education system, which is quite frankly all they really need to do is get the education part done right. The other two are trivial. Actually one thing is not so trivial. There is a ban on company trucks (for instance, you're a contractor with a pickup truck, or larger) being parked on the streets. You must have a driveway. There's a few people that have gotten away with it, but I don't know how. This ban is in effect during the hours of 3-6AM, which means no overnight parking of your truck. In fact, there's a ban on all overnight parking between 3-6AM, UNLESS you buy a parking permit for $15. You have to place said permit, which is a sticker, on the left hand side of your rear bumper, which means you're now modifying your car. If you don't, you can count on eventually getting a ticket, though many people go for some time without problems, they eventually do get ticketed.

** Power Water Gas: No problems here, ever. Once or twice maybe we had a power outage that lasted long enough to be an annoyance, but every time it's been weather related or some jackass ran into a pole.

** Parks & Recreation: There is a small park on Beech Ave, which is quaint if it wasn't so shady looking. They need to get rid of the trees. The trees overshadow the park and make it seem easy to hide and do things you ought not to be doing. This is also a hangout spot for some of the punks in the area. This is also where five kids alleged to have been molested by a neighbor. So, yeah...keep your kids away unless they are supervised by YOU, no one else. There are people there that still let their kids play there unsupervised, which really goes up my ass. There are other local parks that aren't so bad in Ridley Park, Prospect Park, Norwood, a real park in actual Glenolden, etc. Never let your kid go to a park unsupervised. I shouldn't have to tell anyone that, but some people are really f*cking stupid.

I guess that sums it up. It's not a terrible place to live, but you must be very patient if you're going to live here. You must also be prepared for some neighbor issues, almost guaranteed. If you're a nice person you might get along fine, but if you are remotely confronting or don't take people's crap, you will probably have a problem.

I failed to mention one thing earlier: dogs. There are lots of them. You will find out quickly just how many. A lot of people here like to leave their dogs outside all god damn day to bark at the leaves since they have nothing better to do. This is one really big annoyance after a while, believe me. I lived there for eight years and the last year had been total hell because two of my next-door neighbors moved. One had two dogs that were incredibly anxious and loud, and the other didn't. The one who didn't moved out and someone moved in with two dogs, mini Schnauzers, very rambunctious little things, and easy to spook/make bark. The one with two dogs moved out and someone moved in that was older, but not old, had no kids living with her, and apparently no dogs. Then one day we heard a beagle barking all day! Beagles are the worst. One of the people on the street has three of them. She's a nice lady, but the dogs don't stop.

Keep all of this in mind. I've tried to be as thorough as possible to keep good people out of this area. It doesn't deserve good people because it will not be good back to you, I promise.